Channel 3 1/2 News, Backstage Pass
by chisan
Summary: Jaq, a reporter for channel 3 1/2 news, goes behind the scenes to find out what the characters are REALLY like!! =^.^=


Channel 3 1/2 News Backstage Pass  
  
**** backstage  
//// camera view  
^^^^ off stage  
  
Okay, I made a few more new ppl in here, Jaq is a reporter, Matt is a friend, Zink is sound director... the rest you will understand...  
  
Act 1: Scene 1  
  
Jaq: ///WHERE THE HELL IS THE SOUND??? ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK! Oh, we're on? Um... dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, yeeeeah, WELCOME to channel, what was it? Um, yeeeeeah, we are having an episode entirely devoted to Zim: the Backstage Pass. We will first go to the interview we had earlier of Red and Purple.  
  
****Zink flirting with Nny at a nearby table****  
  
Jaq:/// Okay, so anyway. Do you two have some sort of eh..''thing'' with any one else on the set?  
Red: *In a sissy voice* Honey do you wanna tell 'em?  
Purple: No you tell 'em sugar!  
Red: Oh, that makes me love you even more! (takes Purple into his arms and falls out of the chair kissing)   
Jaq: (widened eyes) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
*Lulu the camerawoman swivels the camera around, kissing can be heard in the background*  
Lulu: Hey, lemme tell ya a story  
Jaq: Clucky? Ewwwwww... MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Lulu: See, I was walkin through the park and there was this bum  
*CRASH*   
Red: I'll pay for it!  
Purple: That makes me love you even more!  
Lulu: smoked him  
Jaq: Somebody get a janitor in here! A new meaning for "iced cupcakes"  
Lulu: The cash register, little Timmy from down the street  
Red: YAY! More people!  
Lulu: Cat- smoked 'em all...  
  
Act 1: Scene 2  
  
****GIR: I SAID I WANTED TUNA- NO CAVIAR!!!  
Maid: I'm sorry, but- Master  
GIR:Don't call me Master and there are too many butts around here with Red and Purple around  
Maid: Well, I'll make it up to you, can I get ya anything, um, your heiness?  
GIR: YES GET ME PEACE AND WAR THEN!!  
Maid: You mean War and Peace?  
GIR: No! And don't call me "your heiness"  
Maid: what shall I call you?  
GIR: Master, now get me War and Peace  
Maid: Didn't I just-?  
GIR: NO! SHOO!  
  
Act 1: Scene 3  
  
Jaq: //// After THAT lovely scene, we interviewed Dib, but before that, let's go to commercials.  
Jaq: ^^^^GOD! I thought it would never END!!  
IDD: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! That is not THRRRROWING yourself eeeento your vork.   
Jaq: uh... dear lord...  
IDD: Looooooooooookee here. WHEN YOU ARE ON AIR you must breathe your vork.  
Jaq: Fine. Whatever.  
*walks to the doughnut bench where Matt is*  
Matt: Sara?   
Jaq: What the Hell- o! there Psycho freeeeeak.  
Matt: MCKENZIE!!  
Jaq: Okay, looooooooook, I really appreciate this all, but I JUST WANT A DAMN DOUGHNUT!!  
Matt: Omigawd. GO TERRIERS!!!  
Jaq: Are you a *gulp* ...guy... cheerleader??  
Matt: No, I was trying to freak you out. I'd do anything to make your life a living hell because throughout high school, you made fun of me. I will NEVER take it back. Doughnut?  
Jaq: Uh, no.  
*Jaq walks away to the production area. Zink walks over to the table*  
Zink: Did she buy it?  
Matt: I don't even know who she is.  
Zink: Hehe. I've always played tricks on her since she ALMOST got me fired. Maybe I should just leave her alone for a while. Honestly she's had too much.  
Matt and Zink: Nahh.  
  
Act 1: Scene 4  
  
*Somewhere in the belly (belly- that's a funny word) of the studio, a plot begins, A PLOT? IN MYYY STORY? Fine.*  
Chanukkah Candle Box: Pooky, ya here?  
Pooky: Yeah man.   
CCB: You got the stuff, right?  
Pooky: All of it.  
*CCB looks in Pooky's briefcase*  
CCB: Good...  
Pooky: Ok, NOW TO BEGIN PLAN 666  
CCB: When?  
Pooky: Riiiiiight...   
CCB: Now?  
Pooky: No... wait... NOW!  
CCB: okay so here's what we do...  
  
Act 1: Scene 5  
  
*Heaven*  
Jheenan: GOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Jesus is being mean.  
Jesus: AM NOT!  
Jheenan: STOP POKING ME!!  
Jesus: Stop poking yourself stop poking yourself.  
God: We all know I favor Jesus. Why do you never hear of Jheenan? IT WAS A SMALL AFFAIR!  
Jesus: I told ya.  
Jheenan: I think I'm just going to lie around earth somewhere.  
Jesus: WE DON'T CARE! We need not for you to waste your breath telling us.  
Jheenan: Oh...  
  
Act 1: Scene 6  
  
*Parking Lot*  
Nny: Hello? Where's the studio? Umm...  
Zink: HIYA!  
Nny: Can you help me little child?  
Zink: I'm... NOT a LITTLE CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILD!  
Nny: Ok.  
Zink: So. Um... yeeeeeeeah...  
Nny: I think I'll just hang out by that car.  
Zink: JAQ'S car?  
Nny: Why not. She's hot.  
Zink: Grrrrrrrrrrr...  
*Car alarm sounds off and helicopters come and fire trucks blast down the street. Nny leaves Zink to take the blame*  
Zink: Oh... STAY BACK! *reaches into backpack* I have spork! And a...cd player with a GORRILAZ cd!!  
Police Officer: Everyone! Stay back, she is armed! Someone, get the cd blaster.  
Zink: What?   
*Melts cd*  
Zink: You're paying for a new one! My mommy bought that...  
Nny: Hey, what happened?  
Zink: Nny?  
Nny: I don't know her officer, she's just a deranged fan. Take her away.  
Zink: He called me a her. *huhu*  
Police Officer: Alright, put the spork DOWN. You might HURT someone.  
Zink: Yeah... *looks at Nny*  
Police Officer: 2319! 2319!  
*Everyone leaves except an always- smiling social worker.*  
Always Smiling Social Worker: Hey, look, let's sing a song... BE FRIENDS!!  
Zink: My life is terrible let me tell you about it...  
  
Act 1: Scene 7  
Chanukkah Candle Box: At midnight, we will attack. There'll be no GUARDS here, riiiight, POOKY?  
Pooky: Yes, now look, we'll start in Studio Rm. 27, then work our way down the hall.  
CCB: Why 27?   
Pooky: I didn't have to, but there will be a show airing at the time, and well, hehe, I just thought-  
CCB: BRILLIANT!  
Pooky: Yes, yes I am.  
CCB: Now I can demand the world on air- my mother always told me I was the pretty one, and I'd make it on t.v. someday... *eyes all starry*  
Pooky: Let's begin...  
  
Act 1: Scene 8  
  
*about 1 hour from the last scene*  
  
Zink: Then I lived with this bastard!   
Always Smiling Social Worker: They're all BASTARDS!  
Zink: YEAH!  
Always Smiling Social Worker: Screw the damn song!!  
Zink: WIggle with me and say peas peas peas peas  
Always Smiling Social Worker: Fuck the system! PEAS PEAS PEAS!  
  
Act 1: Scene 9  
  
Cassandra////: AND THAT'S WHY I USE COLGATE!  
Idd: Show off your beautiful smile now!  
*smile is bright white- dink!*  
Cassandra^^^^: *pulls off dentures and looks at Dib in makeup* HONEY?  
Dib: Grandma? I mean HI SWEETUMS!  
*run towards each other in slow motion, making people drop thing and smashing stuff nananananaananananaanan*  
Cassandra: So, when will you be on?  
Loud Speaker: Dib report to the stage in 5 minutes!  
Dib: See ya honey. PLEASE put your dentures back in!  
Cassandra: Okay!  
  
Act 1: Scene 10  
  
Jheenan: (on earth) dum de dum de dum, I wonder if they have cherry fizz whiz, oh...  
Zink: FUCK THE SYSTEM!  
Always Smiling Social Worker: Screw the PEAS!  
Jheenan: Is this what has happened to earth? This is what happens when God lets Jesus become the massiah and I have to settle for Jupiter. what am I supposed to do, the rocks?  
Zink: Huh?  
Always Smiling Social Worker: HEY! I have a great idea. A way that you can fix the world to the hell hole you want it to be...  
Jheenan: I just want to make- wait a sec, did you just say hell hole? NO! I want to fix the world back to its normal habitat...   
Zink: Monkeys?  
Jheenan: NO! I want to make this world full of bunny rabbits and-  
Zink: MONTY PYTHON!  
Jheenan: There's no getting to her, or him? oh well... is there?  
Always Smiling Social Worker: Nope. (I had to write all that out for just a nope- I hope you are happy)  
Zink: I can trade you spots!  
Jheenan: WHAT? It's crazy, but it just might work....  
*SWITCH! Well what kind of noise am I supposed to put? BLAM?*  
  
*Zink is now Zheenan*  
  
*Jheenan is now Jink*  
  
Always Smiling Social Worker: BOB! *walks off*  
Zheenan: Cool.  
Jink: Yup...  
Zheenan: Yeeeeah, wanna beer?  
Jink: Sure.  
Zheenan: Um, when will we switch back? I dunno, um, Saturday?   
Jink: Fine, be careful, Jesus is an ass.  
Zheenan: What? Oh crap, I thought you were the Devil....  
Jink: Saturday, this time, this place...  
*Zheenan is walking away*  
Jink: Near this car  
*Zheenan is now gone and going up to a valet parker*  
Jink: By this studio...  
*Zheenan is now drinking a slurpie an taking -dundundun- THE ELEVATOR TO HEAVEN*  
Jink: Near that blood spot...  
  
Act 2: Scene 1  
  
Jaq:/// Hiya Dib! Ugh... did I just say hiya?  
Dib: *looking off into space*  
Jaq: So...  
Dib: *now looking at a spot on the wall*  
Jaq: SO...  
Dib: *looking at a fly buzzing around*  
Jaq: DIBBARD MURIEL MEMBRANE THE III LOOK AT ME NOW!  
Dib: How'd you know my name?  
Jaq: Remember...?  
Dib: Oh yeah, that was a fun party, man.  
Jaq: Yeah...  
Dib: Looks like I woke up with more than a hangover... *shudders*  
Jaq: We all know how you and Cass got together...  
Dib: *sniff*  
Jaq: So, do you have any side-jobs?  
Dib: *eye twitches* I SWEAR I DIN'T DO THAT! It was my dealer's fault, man, the house wasn't too well... YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA *runs off- Jaq just smiles sweetly*  
Dude Who's Always There: *walks past the camera* HI MOM! *walks off the set*  
Jaq: *sweet smile turning into a NOT-SO-SWEET smile!* Let's interview someone else- how about Old kid? Everyone looooves Old Kid. BRING HIM IN NOW GOD DAMNIT! *smiles sweetly*  
Old Kid: C'mon man, I was actually sleeping!  
Jaq: TOO FUCKING BAD! *smiles sweetly with teeth clenched*  
Old Kid: How's It Going?  
Jaq: UGH! Well, let's see, other than filming, what else do you do?  
Old Kid: I am beat to death in the harshest conditions everyday every since I was 4 years old. I was forced to smoke at an early age and forced into reproduction centers twice a week; I am a slave under the Thailand government. I have the heart of a boy- wanna see? *elevator music can be heard in the background*  
Jaq: Interesting...  
Old Kid: See, I have done all these things and am still living! Yahoo!  
Jaq: Oh crap. How old are you?  
Old Kid: 25. *wails off the set*  
Jaq: Let's see the weather, now, shouldn't we?  
Drunk Bob: I have a pet chicky.  
Jaq: That's nice, Bob, where'd you get it?  
Drunk bob: In my underpants.  
Jaq: A chicky in your underpants?  
Drunk Bob: A CHICKY IN MY UNDERPANTS!!  
Jaq: *Just smile and nod, smiiiile and nod*  
  
Act 2: Scene 2  
  
CCB: THe cats fly at midnight...  
Pooky: What the hell does that have to do with this?  
CCB: Uh...  
Pooky: *Mafia voice* Yous got the moichendise (PURPOSELY MISSPELLED- It hurts so...)  
CCB: Uh... we passed that Pooky...  
Pooky: *Sniff*  
CCB: It'll be ohay...  
Pooky: IT NOT OHAY! IT NOT OHAY!  
*Always Smiling Social Worker comes out of the wall*  
Always Smiling Social Worker: *Wails* STUPID (censored) *beep beep beep* system...  
CCB: Join us...  
Always Smiling Social Worker: *walks back through the wall*  
Pooky: The camera's rolling... *rubs hands together* STUPID LOTION~!!!  
  
Act 2: Scene 3  
  
Jaq: *ahem*  
Drunk Bob: SO I KILLED THE SUCKER!  
Jaq: *AHEM*  
Drunk Bob: Smashed it with a toaster (Dedicated to Pinky *sniff WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Oh, sound familiar Cass?)  
Jaq: *turns off Bob's oxygen* Okay then... We'll interview WHO THE HELL DO HAVE UP? AH CRAP NOT-  
Kief: FBI reporting for duty.  
Jaq: Oh *beep*  
Kief: I have my secret thingys here and all ready.  
Jaq: *looks at Cracker Jack decoder ring* Yeeeeaah... SECURITY!  
Kief: *thinking fast* Uh... LINE?  
Security Guard: *In back room singing about avocadoes* Lemon and avacadoes, lemon and avacadoes...  
Jaq: SECURITY!!  
Kief: LINE???  
Security Guard: Makes guacamole, makes guacamole, lemon and avacodo?  
Jaq: UGH! *kicks Kief where it counts*  
Kief: *remains normal*  
Jaq: NOT ANOTHER ZINK???  
Kief: I have lost all feeling in my-  
  
*We are temporarily out of service, please stand by :)*  
  
Jaq: Let's interview someone else, shall we- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *higher pitched than Cass- the bats can't even hear- jkjkjkjk*  
CCB: SHOW TIME POOKSTER!  
CCB: Pookster?  
CCB: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo*gasp*oooooooooooooooooooooooooo-  
Pooky: I'm right here.  
CCB: I never told him I loved- OH HI POOKSTER!  
Pooky: Did I just hear you say-  
CCB: No.  
Lacy: *pops in outta nowhere* Hiya!  
CCB: *Throws evil jewish star at her*  
Lacy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! My hair- it's *slow motion* ffffffflllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmaaaaabbbbbllllllllleeeeeeee~!!!! (flammable)  
  
*While all havock is breaking loose*  
  
Act 2: Scene 4  
  
Zheenan: He WAS right, he is an ass.  
Jesus: What?  
Zheenan: YOU'RE AN ASS!  
Jesus: *sounds drunk* Sorry, gotta meet drunk Bob at the gate... lack of oxygen killed him.  
Zheenan: She's finally flipped.  
Jesus: ?  
Zheenan: Jaq... I better go see what's going on...  
  
Act 2: Scene 5  
  
Jhink: In this parking lot... by that dead chipmunk... hello?  
  
Act 2: Scene 6  
  
Zheenan: NO! Jaq??? What the hell?  
Jaq: *tied up*   
Zheenan: I brought my whip *kerCRACK*  
Zheenan: EVERYONE!!! This isn't right! (What the hell? Jesus got to me... SON OF CRAP!)  
Jaq: *eyes get all starry*  
Zheenan: Hey! You look like a powerpuff girl*  
Dude Who's Always There: I'm pregnant! *that too :)*  
*Jhink walks in*  
Jhink: NOOOOOOOOOOO! The power of evil!  
Zheenan: Cool!  
Cassandra: Won't somebody help me? *In little southern bell accent*  
Everyone: No.  
Dib: I shall save you! *looks around, stares at the floor, steals her toothpaste and runs away screaming* FREE THE ANIMALS AND PAINT THEM GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!  
Mrs. Bitters: *breaks into song* Dun dun dun Oh baby baby   
Zheenan: Oh dear lord...  
Mrs. Bitters: Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to grow? When something wasn't right there...  
Nny: *takes out a gun and shoots her* I really hate guns...  
Security Guard: Lemon and Avacado... *looks at Nny and stops*  
Pooky: ///*gets on air and all starry eyed* Mishugadaddy always took the spotlight!  
CCB: *pushes Pooky away: EVERYONE IN THE... BIG... WORLD... THINGY! I am your new.... leader... guy....  
Pooky: *pushes CCB*  
CCB: *off stage* That went well *smiles*  
Jesus: Can't we all resolve our-  
CCB: *Takes him by the throat, whispering can be heard* ~ Meet me in the janitor's closet in an hour, k?~  
Jesus: *nods and purrs*  
Jhink and Zheenan: *point and stare mutely*  
  
*Blam? SWITCH? WHATEVER....*  
  
Jheenan: What the *beep* We were supposed to meet near the dead chippy!  
Zink: ?  
Always Smiling Social Worker: You named it?  
Jheenan: *sobs*  
Matt: JAQ! GIRLFRIEND!  
Jaq: *All paranoid* Stay back you freaky Gremlin!  
Matt: *turns into tree frog and screams, while running through glass, killing CCB*  
Jaq: YAY! Matt!  
Cass: We're saved!  
Jaq: Oh, and that too.  
Nny: You're not loved, are you?  
Matt: *twitches as he makes his last nod* It... not... o...  
Jaq: Welcome to Channel 3 1/2  
Nny: We're mourning here, o- nevermind...  
  
Act 2: Scene 7:  
  
Big Executive Corporate Giant Person Thing: WOW! You guys have had alot of ratings? Wanna try for another? Okay... see ya!  
  
  
*******More to come in next eppy********* 


End file.
